Thursday, 19 May 2011

Barney Quotes

“Jesus waited three days to come back to life. It was perfect! If he had only waited one day, a lot of people wouldn't have even heard he died. They'd be all, "Hey Jesus, what up?" and Jesus would probably be like, "What up? I died yesterday!" and they'd be all, "Uh, you look pretty alive to me, dude..." and then Jesus would have to explain how he was resurrected, and how it was a miracle, and the dude'd be like "Uhh okay, whatever you say, bro..." And he's not gonna come back on a Saturday. Everybody's busy, doing chores, workin' the loom, trimmin' the beard, NO. He waited the perfect number of days, three. Plus it's Sunday, so everyone's in church already, and they're all in there like "Oh no, Jesus is dead", and then BAM! He bursts in the back door, runnin' up the aisle, everyone's totally psyched, and FYI, that's when he invented the high five. That's why we wait three days to call a woman, because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait.... True story.”

“In my body, where the shame gland should be, there is a second awesome gland. True story.”

“Suits are full of joy. They're the sartorial equivalent of a baby's smile.”

"I don't have a stupid cold. My body's overflowing with awesomeness and some it has to escape through my nose."

Barney describing his brother: "He's the awesomest, most best-lookingest, greatest guy ever!"
Lily: "He's exactly like Barney".
Barney: "That's what I just said."

“Here's the mini-cherry on top of the regular cherry on top of the sundae of awesomeness that is my life.”

Barney explaining the simplicity of marathons: "Step one: you start running. There is  no step two."

“Shotgun for eternity!”
Robin: “You can't call shotgun for eternity.”
Barney: “I call that I can call things.”

Barney: It's gonna be legend-... wait for it... and I hope you're not lactose intolerant because the second half of that word is DAIRY!

Barney: He has got to go, you need to be like you are the weakest link goodbye! Punchy, the tribe has spoken. Please pack up your knives and go. Your work of art, didn't work for me. You're times up. I have to ask you to leave the mansion. You must leave the chateau. Your tour ends here. You've been chopped! You've been evicted from the Big Brother house. Your desert just didn't measure up. Sashay away! Give me your jacket and leave Hell's kitchen! You did not get a rose. You have been eliminated from the race. You are no longer in the running to be America's Next Top Model. You're fired. Auf Wiedersehen.

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